Charlie Sheen Goes To Jail (Doesn’t Go To Jail)
We briefly interrupt our carpet mockery of Mel Gibson to bring you news of another obnoxious violent drunk.
It’s Charlie Sheen! Remember Christmas Day? When Charlie Sheen decided that nothing would be more festive than to drunkenly threaten to kill his crack-addicted wife with a knife? It all seems so long ago, but the case finally reached court yesterday – and Charlie Sheen pleaded guilty.
Obviously a serious crime like this comes with a heavy penalty, which is why Charlie Sheen was yesterday sentenced to 30 days in jail. And then told that he could serve the term in a rehab instead. And then told that, since he’d already been to rehab once this year, he’d only have to spend a few days in rehab at best. Yup, that sure told Charlie Sheen.
There’s no doubting Charlie Sheen’s value as a celebrity. Yes, he gets paid an obscene amount of money to make his awful sitcom, but for that money producers are getting someone with an alcohol problem, limited acting ability, an uncomfortable attitude towards women, a constant need for rehab and a criminal record. Separately they’d need to hire Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan just to fill a portion of that quota. Value for money, that’s what he is.
And yesterday Charlie Sheen just became even better value. That’s because, despite admitting in court that he pinned his wife to a bed, held a switchblade to her neck and threatened to have her killed on Christmas Day last year, Charlie Sheen avoided jail. This is because a) his felony charge was downgraded to misdemeanour third-degree assault in exchange for his guilty plea, b) the judge thought that Charlie would learn more from rehab than from a jail sentence and c) everyone involved in this court case, on some level or another, messed up spectacularly.
But anyway, CNN reports:
Charlie Sheen’s plea deal to resolve felony domestic violence charges in Aspen, Colorado, will allow the actor to serve his jail term at a Malibu, California, rehab center, his lawyer said Monday. The 30-day jail sentence could be completed quickly since the judge will count time the actor spent at the same rehab facility — Promises of Malibu — earlier this year.
So, in a nutshell, Charlie Sheen has not only avoided jail but his sentence has been cut drastically because he already goes to rehab quite a bit anyway. And this means, tragically, that he’ll be able to continue making Two And A Half Men. Which is completely unfair – now we’re the ones being punished for the judge’s leniency.
Seriously, what does Charlie Sheen have to do before someone stops him from making Two And A Half Men? Does he literally have to kill an old lady and eat her heart in the street? Because, if it meant no more Two And A Half Men, we’d be totally cool with that. Priorities.
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